I am afraid of my shadow...flinching and jumping, I catch myself in the mirror AHGHHH FRIGHT NIGHT and that is any time not just with my morning hair! People are looking at me, what are they thinking? I am in a state of high anxiety...causing me to walk awkwardly down the street as though acute self analysis is a GOOD thing, when really it is turning me into a jerky puppet...taking away my fluidity and access to perfect alignment with source.
That was a me of the past.
Intent on discovering the truth, my committment to awareness enlightened me to incapacitation underneath the weight of ego, it's attachment to 'survival' and the fear evoked by any and all perceived threats against said survival.
Little by little over the years I have uncovered my attachments, explored my fears of death, intimacy, success and happiness. And the one conclusion that dominates each individual exploration is that I CHOSE each fear as a means to an end.
Fear WAS my friend, or so I thought. I used it to manipulate, to avoid, to protect my body and to keep myself receiving the attention that fear will bring if used accordingly. There was a considerable personal payoff for hanging on to my fear.
For example; Intimacy- I was unconsciously both afraid and fascinated by men due to my past experiences and the social and environmental information I had compiled from birth in relation to them.
My fear of men helped to keep them at arms length- I would seek relationships but be unable to be happy within them. I could easily engage my fear and utilise blame, keeping myself safe from truly connecting and facing up to myself; thus healing.
On inspection, Fear of INTIMACY translates into a fear of getting to know the self. It makes sense really, when in a relationship with another we project our fears and insecurites onto them all the better to see ourselves and to grow. Once we recognise the reflection for what it is and take responsibility for those very flaws, distasteful attitudes and unlikeable qualities we are seeing in the other we will begin to step through the veil of intimacy.
The FEAR is that if I look into myself I simply may not like what I see, I may find the programming that I am not good enough is actually true. Hence KEEP THOSE RELATIONSHIPS AWAY!!
Of course looking into the self and witnessing one's thoughts, emotions, fears and realities will always show the same thing...that it is ALL programming and NOTHING is true but for one infinitessimally magnificent, unsayable reality. Our GODlike perfection, our pure sense of source...see it's unsayable I would have to launch into poetry to even get close!
Fear is one of those ROUNDABOUT things...Judgment of others can alert us to our own fears. We are funny beings tending to take the roundabout approach rather than face up to things directly.
EXAMPLE:
In my martial arts class their are three green belts, I am one of them. One of the other green belts is a big, strong ex- Israeli Military soldier. He is TOUGH, he can throw you around with ease and he has a good handle on the techniques of his belt level.
A grading was looming and the tough guy was not invited by the instructors to grade as he had not developed the humility, centredness or chi power necessary to further his belt level. He was relying on brute strength to perform the techniques.
When he found out that I had been invited to grade his face went cold and his energy toward me was hard and angry it pushed at my being and for a little while made it difficult to train with him, his energy registered in me as DANGER...
Two days before the grading, tough guy raced up to me in the dark carpark after training and proceeded to tell me how inadequate my techniques were, how I was unready to grade and had a long way to go. Needless to say I felt bullied, and somewhat intimidated.
My partner is the instructor so obviously he was first to hear about the incident. (YEP I am a dob-artist!)
Tough guy was admonished etc BUT the biggest realisation for me about fear was the amount of fear that permeated this man who claimed to be unafraid of anything.
There I stood a much smaller, 40 year old female and yet this man felt he needed to push me around and cut me down...hmmm he was using threatening body language and words as though he was defending himself from something. What? Whatever my evolution in this martial art and life symbolised for him..that he was less than maybe, he was being left behind, that I, a woman (without the physical strength but with possibly more control of my chi) would be senior to him in the dojang.
His FEAR was taking over for him making his mouth say ridiculous things that would only serve to keep him in a lower belt status for MUCH longer (he was disallowed from participating in the grading or any gradings until further notice). His personal fear of not being good enough projected itself in my direction causing him to focus on my 'faults and inadequacies' instead of on his own.... 'protecting' him from having to face up to his own terror at being inadequate and possibly then the work he would have to do to bring himself to a level of adequacy that would satisfy him.... I can only speculate!
His attack on me served the opposite purpose than the one he was hoping for. Instead of me being broken by his comments and failing to grade, I chose instead to be motivated. I examined my confidence issues and my centredness...asking myself the question- how did I attract such a sledging so close to the grading, from a training partner no less (trust and family being highly regarded Hapkido values)?
I pulled in my energy and stood strongly in my power, forgiving him and using his words to draw out the best of myself on the day.
I now have my blue tip and I learned a lot. To blow my own trumpet I also received 'Highly Commended' by the senior instructor of surrounding region.
COOOL!
Thanks TOUGH GUY!
Suffice it to say FEAR is not our friend it is a smelly, noisy illusion that is doing it's best to keep our ego alive.
When we feel fear, it is an indication that we are forgetting our CONFIDENCE, our CALM and our CHI!
Ask your fear what it is covering and have the courage to face that directly, a little introspection may reveal something more beautiful than you have ever imagined.
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For ways to develop emotional intelligence in your children effectively raising them out of social and personal fear please go to http://www.theiamprogram.com/
To learn more about Fear and the EGO go to http://www.iamspirituality.com/ to watch Sean's compelling podcast!
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